*The Pointless Writer*

has a life you're completely uninterested in. But it's okay because I can write. No abbreviations. No shoddy grammar (though I'm not immune to mistakes). Just quality writing on sometimes completely pointless topics.

Inspiration/ Hilarity

`cirque. (by Nick)
The Joel Stein
Hyperbole and a Half (by Allie Brosh)

Pointless Yakking

No chatbox.

UnPoints of Note

1. I write when fancy takes. Sometimes, fancy takes many months of leave.
2. Never give up on this blog. I will eventually come back. When fancy has returned from its unfaithful travels.
3. All posts labelled Randomosity were written while I was on my junior college's blog team.
4. Everything is written as a challenge to myself. And it's all in good fun. Cheerio!

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Living in an HDB apartment on the fifteenth storey has its advantages. First of all, we get fewer roaches. The ants, however, are a different matter. I pretty much own a colony. Feel free to approach me for a glass of scrumptious, protein-rich ant kacang. The next advantage is the hair-raising caterwauling I hear every midnight when the stray cats wage tribal wars. When I say "hair-raising", though, I really mean awe-inspiring. I'm serious. My family can't stand the feline high-pitched yowling, but to me, who needs the Esplanade when I get a free symphony every night? Maybe I just identify with them since I'm a high-pitched soprano myself. xD Don't be surprised if a world-famous composer writes a Meow Meow Wars for standard orchestra and the cast of Cats one day. That would be me.

The final, and most important, advantage I'd like to bring to your attention is getting to hear a random dude yell "shut up" at least 20 times. This may not strike you as very interesting. Let me assure that it is. It's like the Black Eyed Peas' Shut Up, only TEN TIMES BETTER. After all, the BEP sang the same refrain (consisting of two favourite words) to the same melody, rhythm and chords repeatedly. Random Dude was far more creative.

Although I couldn't hear the guy he was yelling at, he single-handedly kept my attention on him by varying the pitch, intonation, volume and accent of this short but sweet phrase. It sounded something like: Shuddup. Shuddup! SHAR-DUPP! Shar-dup. SHAA-dup! Shaar-DUP!!! Equally fascinating was how loud he was, and how well sound travels from the neighbourhood park to my fifteenth floor apartment. I wonder how everyone in the cluster of HDB blocks will react if I decide to sing Italian opera and German art songs at the playground. After all, no one complains when Chinese girls warble during the Hungry Ghost Festival. And that would be a fine publicity stunt, don’t you think?

The only complaint I have about that afternoon’s entertainment is the lack of vocabulary. By the time he had repeated this two-word phrase for the tenth time, I was starting to doubt he had any. I was also tempted to buy him a thesaurus. Upon reflection, however, I realized that… I too have a dubious amount of vocabulary when it comes to this all-important phrase! Dubious because any synonymous phrases in mind may not have been entirely correct. So I’ve decided to compile a list of alternatives.

1. Keep mum!
I really like this one. Can you imagine the blank looks you would get from many if you yell this in the midst of auditory chaos? Even those who are fairly familiar with the phrase (“fairly familiar” being I’ve heard of it…) would be slightly taken aback; don’t deny that your first thought would be along the lines of Keep WHOSE mum?!? Or, if you use this with your siblings, they would probably wonder, Keep Mum WHERE? Thanks to the element of surprise, there would be instant silence. I really recommend this to teachers. The only downside to this would be the ensuing laughter. Oh well, at least your ears will get a break.

2. Zip it!
Ah. I would particularly like to use this on any annoying guy who won’t stop talking. Seeing him glance down at his pants in horror will be entertainment enough. ;)

3. Button your lip!
This one is mildly reminiscent of Criminal Minds. Needle. Thread. Pain. Cuteness in a button. It’s also practically synonymous with Coraline. Which, by the way, had me so freaked out I was squealing so much my brother got majorly annoyed. I really don’t understand how a cartoon about evil buttons can freak me out when I’m desensitised to violence like chopping off heads.

4. Cut the cackle!
Aside from the alliteration, I can’t quite say this phrase has seduced me. Nothing about it captures my imagination. I simply associate it with fire crackling. And turkeys, for some reason.

5. Hold your tongue.
How can you not love this? Seriously. It’s so hilarious. And so effective. After all, you can’t speak with your tongue clamped between your finger and thumb!

6. Keep your trap shut.
Eh. As boring as cut the cackle. But, you know, in the interest of variety, it still makes the list.

7. Put a sock in it!
Assuming ‘it’ is someone’s mouth… eww… But I can offer you mine. ;)

Now, I’m not condoning being rude. I really want to make that clear. But if we’re going to shush each other, we can at least be more imaginative about it. It’s not like these are even in another language; they’re part of the language we speak. So why aren’t they in more common use? Come on, Singapore, let’s widen our vocabulary! (And I’m not just talking about hushing everyone but yourself.)


Chanson des Étoiles at 6:09 PM