*The Pointless Writer*
has a life you're completely uninterested in. But it's okay because I can write. No abbreviations. No shoddy grammar (though I'm not immune to mistakes). Just quality writing on sometimes completely pointless topics.
UnPoints of Note
1. I write when fancy takes. Sometimes, fancy takes many months of leave.
Randomosity's Health Regime (All Rights Reserved)
Due to the long history of illnesses that run in my family, I am quite determined to live a healthy life. As any professional health freak will tell you, diet and exercise are both equally important. As such, my health regime consists of TWO phases--you guessed it!--FOOD and EXERCISE.
Health Regime Phase One: FOOD
To combat the diabetes I might get from my dad’s side, I hereby solemnly vow to eat less sugar and more salt… Salt is the antonym of sugar, right? After all, I’ll only ever have two kidneys, and I think if I lost one due to an unhealthy diet, the other would be quite lonely.
To battle the cancers (note the plurality of this) from my mum’s side, I shall eat less bak kwa: this means that I’ll be going from bak-kwa-once-a-year-at-Chinese-New-Year to bak-kwa-never. In order to compensate for the loss of my beloved delicacy, I shall eat barbequed chicken wings instead. I do believe they’re less carcinogenic.
To ensure I don’t inherit my dad’s gout, I shall drink less milk. After all, gout is caused by protein-rich diets. Unfortunately, I don’t know what the opposite of protein is (nietorp, anyone?), so I’ve no idea what to replace this unhealthy nutrient with. If you have any suggestions, share them. I’ll consider splitting my profits with you when I sell this amazing regime to celebrities all over the world.
The remaining significant illness in my family (this does not include random bouts of insanity) is high blood pressure. Any amateur will tell you that exercise is the way to go if you don’t want to go after a heart attack. Let me assure you that those aren’t fun. So, of course, my health regime wouldn’t be complete without exercise.
Health Regime Phase Two: EXERCISE
To train in endurance, I shall eat more potato chips. They’re crunchy, which increases the resistance when you chew. Perfect for exercising my jaw, don’t you think? I shall also practise moving my HDB flat to the other side of the playground. I like the view there better. Uh-uh. Before you tell me that’s physically impossible, need I remind you that God said we can move mountains? One HDB flat should be chicken feet.
To increase my flexibility, I shall design my own Stretch-aroo. It’ll be based on traditional torture devices, but a lot less painful and a lot more beneficial. Of course, no pain, no gain. So there’ll still be some discomfort. Sign up, sign up, before they all run out! Early roos get a hefty discount… No one? Really? Come on, guys, even chewing five bags of potato chips will get you a jaw ache! Yet, it’s completely necessary if you want to have strong jaw muscles.
As for cardiovascular training, I shall run on water in my very own bathtub. That eliminates the need to buy an expensive treadmill and the need to find a swimming pool. Running and swimming all in one!
So what do you think? Will this make me a millionaire? Vote now!