*The Pointless Writer*
has a life you're completely uninterested in. But it's okay because I can write. No abbreviations. No shoddy grammar (though I'm not immune to mistakes). Just quality writing on sometimes completely pointless topics.
UnPoints of Note
1. I write when fancy takes. Sometimes, fancy takes many months of leave.
Randomosity's Health Regime (All Rights Reserved)
Due to the long history of illnesses that run in my family, I am quite determined to live a healthy life. As any professional health freak will tell you, diet and exercise are both equally important. As such, my health regime consists of TWO phases--you guessed it!--FOOD and EXERCISE.
Health Regime Phase One: FOOD
To combat the diabetes I might get from my dad’s side, I hereby solemnly vow to eat less sugar and more salt… Salt is the antonym of sugar, right? After all, I’ll only ever have two kidneys, and I think if I lost one due to an unhealthy diet, the other would be quite lonely.
To battle the cancers (note the plurality of this) from my mum’s side, I shall eat less bak kwa: this means that I’ll be going from bak-kwa-once-a-year-at-Chinese-New-Year to bak-kwa-never. In order to compensate for the loss of my beloved delicacy, I shall eat barbequed chicken wings instead. I do believe they’re less carcinogenic.
To ensure I don’t inherit my dad’s gout, I shall drink less milk. After all, gout is caused by protein-rich diets. Unfortunately, I don’t know what the opposite of protein is (nietorp, anyone?), so I’ve no idea what to replace this unhealthy nutrient with. If you have any suggestions, share them. I’ll consider splitting my profits with you when I sell this amazing regime to celebrities all over the world.
The remaining significant illness in my family (this does not include random bouts of insanity) is high blood pressure. Any amateur will tell you that exercise is the way to go if you don’t want to go after a heart attack. Let me assure you that those aren’t fun. So, of course, my health regime wouldn’t be complete without exercise.
Health Regime Phase Two: EXERCISE
To train in endurance, I shall eat more potato chips. They’re crunchy, which increases the resistance when you chew. Perfect for exercising my jaw, don’t you think? I shall also practise moving my HDB flat to the other side of the playground. I like the view there better. Uh-uh. Before you tell me that’s physically impossible, need I remind you that God said we can move mountains? One HDB flat should be chicken feet.
To increase my flexibility, I shall design my own Stretch-aroo. It’ll be based on traditional torture devices, but a lot less painful and a lot more beneficial. Of course, no pain, no gain. So there’ll still be some discomfort. Sign up, sign up, before they all run out! Early roos get a hefty discount… No one? Really? Come on, guys, even chewing five bags of potato chips will get you a jaw ache! Yet, it’s completely necessary if you want to have strong jaw muscles.
As for cardiovascular training, I shall run on water in my very own bathtub. That eliminates the need to buy an expensive treadmill and the need to find a swimming pool. Running and swimming all in one!
So what do you think? Will this make me a millionaire? Vote now!
The Golden Law: Monkey See, Monkey Do
At its most basic, the Golden Rule states: One should treat others as one would like others to treat oneself. There is, apparently, a huge debate about whether this should be the Golden Rule. After all, as Thomas W. Cathcart said, “A sadist is a masochist who follows the Golden Rule.” Gotta love that quote. Anyway, I’m not here to expound on the pros and cons of leaving this Golden Rule… golden. I would like to propose… a Golden Law!
And here it is: Monkey see, monkey do. I know, I know, ‘law’ and ‘rule’ are technically synonyms. Which may, at first glance, make my choice of the word ‘Law’ inappropriate, since I’m not proposing that everyone follow the maxim of money see, monkey do. BUT I’ve observed that in science, the word ‘law’ is used to refer to observations of phenomena rather than as a rule that we follow. Thus, my Golden Law is actually more of an observation/ phenomena than a maxim like its close cousin, the Golden Rule. (All this talk of golden-ness is blinding me, but I shall press on…)
Now, I’m willing to bet you my last dollar (which you’d have to wait quite long to get since I’m not about to go broke in this lifetime) that if your mum had worn her left shoe on her right foot and vice versa, you’d be doing the same. At least, until you realize why it’s so darn uncomfortable. Of course, I shan’t actually be betting you anything because a) betting is BAD, and b) it’s kind of impossible to wind back time to check this, contrary to popular science fiction.
Maybe you’re thinking But, but, but… we’re HUMANS! Your wording’s all wrong! Well, you obviously forgot to think about the evolutionists. Who very staunchly propose that we used to be a whole lot furrier, and that we had glorious tails. Besides, my Golden Law would be as unmemorable as the Golden Rule if I paid heed to such inconsequential details. ;)
Moving on… I’ve always thought that one perfect example of my Golden Law is the difference between the way guys and girls sit. Girls cross their legs because they’ve been taught to do so, while guys just imitate their fellow monkeys and sit with their legs wide open. My brother claims that he and his fellow Martians do this for practical reasons, but I personally think they should stop taking etiquette lessons from de-iced Neanderthals.
I could add a whole lot more examples to this post to prove my point—that all humans are monkeys and that monkey see, monkey do—but that would just make this post unnecessarily
The Great SGC Fiasco
Another post in all its JC-resplendent glory! I actually followed the guidelines my school provided me with when I wrote this mock-SGC. xD
In lieu of the great SGC fiasco that had everyone scrambling to submit their write-ups last minute—I had FOUR people ask me to help them submit their write-ups via my school account because all the working computers were being used—I’ve decided to share mine. So here goes:
Randomosity is a persuasive speaker. She has managed to convince several random (no pun intended) passers-by that she is, in fact, a werewolf. She accomplishes this mainly through her linguistic prowess but sometimes employs the power of charades as well.
Randomosity is a hardworking student. Through her sheer determination and willpower, she has managed to obtain the Book Prize Award for Top Daydreamer. In addition, she has done consistently well in H3 Blogging and H2 Maniacal Laughter. She is also consistently well-prepared for lessons, with chocolates, sweets and non-caffeinated drinks filling her bag to ensure she keeps awake.
Randomosity is highly intellectual. Her thesis on The Toilet Phenomenon has won awards like Flushiest Thesis of the Year in highly acclaimed academic circles such as Washroom Philosophy. She reads widely to improve herself outside of her academics and has read, among other books, The Dummy’s Guide to Growing Wings.
Randomosity is generous with everyone she knows, enemies, frenemies and random-people-off-the-street alike. She has, on occasion, lent her EZ-Link card to stray cats so they don’t have to walk so far, but has a particular penchant for passing around tissues in cold classrooms.
Randomosity is both a team player and a leader. During a recycling project, she delegated work as well as took on the responsibility of shattering glass for recycling, because no one could reach the required frequency. She has also worked well with her imaginary friends to draw up comprehensive plans for the scaling of the world’s most tired mountain, Mount Neverest.
CCA/ CIP WRITE-UP
The Anti-Drug Establishment
Disclaimer: All of the above is fictional and meant purely for entertainment. The writer does not condone theft in any form and declines to comment on choosing lesser evils. Over and out.